Today is the first day of Spring. Even though it is a bit chilly this morning, the sun is shining and the weathercasters are promising temperatures in the mid- to high 60’s. I look outside and see the flowers blooming and trees budding, and birds flitting among the branches. All of nature is coming back to life at once it seems; all of God’s creation except me. It has been a long time since I have met the wonder of any new season with such a lack of anticipation and overwhelming sadness.
Losing my husband progressively to AIDS over the last 5 ½ years of our marriage and becoming a widow at age 33, was at time such as this. At times I thought I would never make it through and joy would never come. But just in time God would bring me a moment where I clearly saw His good for me, could feel my heartbreak heal and hope for the future break through. It was like Spring coming after a long Winter of sadness, grief, anger, and loneliness.
In the last 15 years there have been other hard times in my life, but nothing like the events of the last six weeks. At a time when life should be bursting forth, for me the joy of life has died.
No need to go into all the details, except to say that my father died of lung cancer when we hoped he was going to be one of the success stories. Just as we thought he would be done with treatment and jump back into the life he loved, he was hospitalized with radiation pneumonitis and died within a week, on February 13th. The next day, when we should have been celebrating the love exhibited in my parents' marriage of nearly 50 years, we drew together as a family to begin mourning the loss of Dad’s presence. Over the next week, we were surrounded by loving family and friends, celebrating the life we had shared with him, and being comforted by the knowledge that Dad was with his Lord in heaven.
A couple of weeks after the memorial services, we began to settle into our new way of being family. We all found our niche to help my mom with the everyday responsibilities of life – bills, probate, house maintenance, social events and planning for the future – things that all brought back some sense of rhythm and purpose to our lives. Sure there were still sad moments, but we were functioning together as a family, working together to grieve and progress toward normalness.
Just as things were starting to calm down, another tragedy struck on St. Patrick’s Day. My parent’s adorable dog, Sadie - which my mom bought for Dad to help him in his recovery and was now helping her in her own grief – was struck by a car and killed. The most painful part was that it happened while the dog was in the care of my sister, as my mother was 80 miles away with me, meeting with an attorney to take care of estate business.
I cannot put words to the intense pain and sadness that has erupted and remained since the death of that little dog just three days ago. All of us are devastated – why did this have to happen at this time and in this particular way? The pain seems even greater than the pain I felt when my father died – it doesn’t make sense and seems so pointless. I think we all have begun to question the sovereignty God, perhaps even His goodness.
I am so grateful for Scripture and music at these times in my life. How do people function and find meaning without those resources? Rereading the story of Job, and verses from Lamentation 3, Isaiah 43 and 54, reminded me that when I feel that life is overwhelming, God is there. I am sure that none of the authors who penned these passages truly understood in their human minds or hearts what God was working in their lives as they were going through such awful times. But they all gained the understanding, through the work of the Holy Spirit, to believe that God would be true to his character – loving, compassionate, faithful, merciful, all-knowing, all-powerful, righteous and just – throughout their sufferings.
Then this morning, I was listening to worship songs on my I-Pod, when I was struck by the truth of Philippians 3:7, so beautifully expressed in a song by Graham Kendrick called Knowing You.
V1
All I once held dear, built my life upon,
all this world reveres and wars to own.
All I once thought gain I have counted loss,
spent and worthless now compared to this.
CHORUS
Knowing You, Jesus, knowing You,
There is no greater thing.
You’re my all, You’re the best,
You’re my joy, my righteousness,
And I love you Lord.
V2
Now my heart’s desire is to know You more,
to be found in You, and known as Yours.
To possess by faith what I could not earn,
all surpassing gift of righteousness.
V3
Oh to know the pow’r of Your risen life
and to know You in Your sufferings,
To become like You in Your death, my Lord,
So with You to live and never die.
All of this leads me to ask whether I really believe that knowing God and believing in the saving work of his son Jesus is the greatest and the best. Where does my joy really come from? Is experiencing pain just a part of experiencing true joy? Will I eventually see the events of the last six weeks as a means to greater joy and faith and righteousness?
Knowing my dad and being loved by him brought great joy to my life. Having little Sadie for the last 8-9 months brought joy to all of us, too. But no matter how much love and joy they brought, it is only temporary. How much greater joy should it be to know the God of the Universe who loves me unconditionally and who works so mightily in my life? He alone has been and will be with me all of my life, as I go through the suffering that is shaping me. It is hard to learn through experience and even more difficult to believe, but this is all part of the process of becoming Christ-like.
